November 13, 2016
Sorry for the long absence, and this probably won’t be a long post. My fingertips are numb and it’s weird to type. Another joyous side effect of the Xeloda. But let me start with this quote that has been in the forefront of my mind for the past week. “God’s job is not to make sick people healthy. That’s the doctor’s job. God’s job is to make sick people brave.” Harold S. Kushner. The past few weeks I have called upon God to help me stay brave in the face of multiple setbacks. I don’t ask Him to cure me, only He knows what is best. But I do ask for comfort and strength.
The Xeloda is an unyielding medicine for me. There is no good, better, best kind of days. They are all pretty crappy right now. Basically crappy, crappier, and crappiest. Last week I only left the house twice, because leaving the house requires a well thought out plan and route to where I am going- knowing I may need the dreaded bathroom stop at any minute. Knowing the location of the bathrooms wherever I go is a talent I haven’t had to use since I was pregnant! It was a much more fun skill to have when a baby was the reason for the bathroom stops.
I spoke to my oncologist a few times lately, and he is still wonderful. I find it amazing that a doctor calls me back the same day. I think he is surprised that I am surprised! He doesn’t realize that up until now I had doctors who were, shall we say, less than helpful? Dr. H is genuinely nice and cares about me. And he has a very subtle sense of humor that I appreciate. When we discussed the possible use of medical marijuana for treatment of the side effects, he said at the end of the conversation,
“Oh, and of course you will want to share that with me.”
Me: “Oh, okay. So I should call you to let you know what I’m taking? Share the info?”
Dr. H: “Noooooo, I mean you should share the “medicine” with your doctor!”
That made my day. To have a doctor that can make you laugh during this horrible time in your life is great.
So there is not much we can do for the stomach issues on Xeloda. I’ve been trying some different over the counter products, but not much luck yet. There are days I can go 6 or 7 hours with no issues and no pain. But then, out of nowhere, it’s back. As annoying as the stomach issues are, it’s the chest pain that concerns me most. It’s just not going away. It’s pretty much there, all day, every day. But a lot of times it’s probably a level 2 or 3- which I can suck up and deal with. It’s when it breaks through to the 9 and 10 that I can’t handle. I’ve been taking lots of prescribed Vicodin, and it does help, it’s just disappointing to me that this has become my life now.
Dr. H agrees that I shouldn’t have to deal with the pain every day. He said the problem is that the medicine I take for the pleurisy is not compatible with the chemo drug I am on. Therefore, it’s not effective. His solution is to start me on a low dose extended release Morphine pill. He feels the morphine will keep the pain away, and when it does break through I can still take the Vicodin. Now maybe you are saying the same thing to yourself that I did when he prescribed Morphine. Really? We are already at the Morphine stage? How did we skip all the in between stuff and go right to Morphine? Do not pass Go, do not collect $200, go immediately to Morphine. I won’t lie. It scares me. It scares me that I am only 7 months since diagnosis and so far nothing is working and I’ve graduated to Morphine for the pain.
My next scan will be the week after Thanksgiving, and I am trying to hold on to the hope that all the Xeloda side effects are worth it if it is shrinking my Cancer. And so, we wait. Wait and hope. And lean on God who is helping to make me brave.
I will leave you with a funny story of an encounter I had in the last few weeks. My vision has been getting blurry (yep- side effect) and so I went to an eye doctor. I had never been to this place before, but it’s on my insurance so I figured it would be ok. When I first met the doctor it went like this:
Dr.: Looking at papers I filled out Why are you taking all of the medications?
Me: Thinking he should just keep reading to find out Well I have Stage IV Metastatic Breast Cancer.
Dr: Oh, well that usually has a pretty good outcome, right?
Me: DID HE REALLY JUST SAY THAT??? Actually, no doctor. The average life expectancy from the time of diagnosis is 18-24 months. BAM
Dr: Oh….mumble mumble
Then, as if that wasn’t enough, after the exam was this exchange:
Dr: So I think bifocals would be the best for you. Even though people hate to get them.
Me: Why? What’s wrong with bifocals?
Dr: Well people don’t want to admit they are getting older. I had one guy say to me, no offense, that he would rather I tell him he has Cancer then he needs bifocals.
AHHHHHHH. I can’t believe there are educated people making statements like that. I will be writing American Vision a letter about my encounter.
Until next time, I am trying to remain focused on the spirit of the Thanksgiving season and be grateful for all the wonderful people and things in my life. I am praying for God to keep me brave. Sue
Sorry for the long absence, and this probably won’t be a long post. My fingertips are numb and it’s weird to type. Another joyous side effect of the Xeloda. But let me start with this quote that has been in the forefront of my mind for the past week. “God’s job is not to make sick people healthy. That’s the doctor’s job. God’s job is to make sick people brave.” Harold S. Kushner. The past few weeks I have called upon God to help me stay brave in the face of multiple setbacks. I don’t ask Him to cure me, only He knows what is best. But I do ask for comfort and strength.
The Xeloda is an unyielding medicine for me. There is no good, better, best kind of days. They are all pretty crappy right now. Basically crappy, crappier, and crappiest. Last week I only left the house twice, because leaving the house requires a well thought out plan and route to where I am going- knowing I may need the dreaded bathroom stop at any minute. Knowing the location of the bathrooms wherever I go is a talent I haven’t had to use since I was pregnant! It was a much more fun skill to have when a baby was the reason for the bathroom stops.
I spoke to my oncologist a few times lately, and he is still wonderful. I find it amazing that a doctor calls me back the same day. I think he is surprised that I am surprised! He doesn’t realize that up until now I had doctors who were, shall we say, less than helpful? Dr. H is genuinely nice and cares about me. And he has a very subtle sense of humor that I appreciate. When we discussed the possible use of medical marijuana for treatment of the side effects, he said at the end of the conversation,
“Oh, and of course you will want to share that with me.”
Me: “Oh, okay. So I should call you to let you know what I’m taking? Share the info?”
Dr. H: “Noooooo, I mean you should share the “medicine” with your doctor!”
That made my day. To have a doctor that can make you laugh during this horrible time in your life is great.
So there is not much we can do for the stomach issues on Xeloda. I’ve been trying some different over the counter products, but not much luck yet. There are days I can go 6 or 7 hours with no issues and no pain. But then, out of nowhere, it’s back. As annoying as the stomach issues are, it’s the chest pain that concerns me most. It’s just not going away. It’s pretty much there, all day, every day. But a lot of times it’s probably a level 2 or 3- which I can suck up and deal with. It’s when it breaks through to the 9 and 10 that I can’t handle. I’ve been taking lots of prescribed Vicodin, and it does help, it’s just disappointing to me that this has become my life now.
Dr. H agrees that I shouldn’t have to deal with the pain every day. He said the problem is that the medicine I take for the pleurisy is not compatible with the chemo drug I am on. Therefore, it’s not effective. His solution is to start me on a low dose extended release Morphine pill. He feels the morphine will keep the pain away, and when it does break through I can still take the Vicodin. Now maybe you are saying the same thing to yourself that I did when he prescribed Morphine. Really? We are already at the Morphine stage? How did we skip all the in between stuff and go right to Morphine? Do not pass Go, do not collect $200, go immediately to Morphine. I won’t lie. It scares me. It scares me that I am only 7 months since diagnosis and so far nothing is working and I’ve graduated to Morphine for the pain.
My next scan will be the week after Thanksgiving, and I am trying to hold on to the hope that all the Xeloda side effects are worth it if it is shrinking my Cancer. And so, we wait. Wait and hope. And lean on God who is helping to make me brave.
I will leave you with a funny story of an encounter I had in the last few weeks. My vision has been getting blurry (yep- side effect) and so I went to an eye doctor. I had never been to this place before, but it’s on my insurance so I figured it would be ok. When I first met the doctor it went like this:
Dr.: Looking at papers I filled out Why are you taking all of the medications?
Me: Thinking he should just keep reading to find out Well I have Stage IV Metastatic Breast Cancer.
Dr: Oh, well that usually has a pretty good outcome, right?
Me: DID HE REALLY JUST SAY THAT??? Actually, no doctor. The average life expectancy from the time of diagnosis is 18-24 months. BAM
Dr: Oh….mumble mumble
Then, as if that wasn’t enough, after the exam was this exchange:
Dr: So I think bifocals would be the best for you. Even though people hate to get them.
Me: Why? What’s wrong with bifocals?
Dr: Well people don’t want to admit they are getting older. I had one guy say to me, no offense, that he would rather I tell him he has Cancer then he needs bifocals.
AHHHHHHH. I can’t believe there are educated people making statements like that. I will be writing American Vision a letter about my encounter.
Until next time, I am trying to remain focused on the spirit of the Thanksgiving season and be grateful for all the wonderful people and things in my life. I am praying for God to keep me brave. Sue